Wow. Where to start. At least you cut your retort time down to less than 3 days. So you are either getting better at this, or your wife had time to proof it last night. I'll give you the 'hands down the pants, belching up warm PBR' comment. Replace that PBR with Miller High Life, and you'd be dead on. PBR is now reserved for urban attention seeking hipsters like yourself. Do you own a fixie that you never ride because it's cool to own a fixie? I won't speculate because I truly have no idea. But, really, I didn't expect our little keyboard conversation to continue for this long and I'll admit, I've underestimated you, unless of course, you're spending more than 5 minutes developing these retorts and running them past your wife to see if they make sense, which I suspect you are. I'll ask her tonight.

1. I'll admit I'm a bit intrigued by your responses to posts on this forum and always make sure to read them. A local celebrity, though? That might be taking things a bit far. If your stature does adhere to that definition, it would less like Mike Wolfe is to the Quad Cities and more like William Hung is to New Jersey (I had to look that up).

2. On the Yukon Pete bit, I still think you tell it for attention, but agree that everybody enjoys a good penis joke whether they admit it or not.

3. On the naming yourself after poop, everybody likes poop jokes too (especially those with young kids) whether they admit it or not. Fart jokes fall under poop jokes, so same thing. Next time I lay one down in the crapper that sticks up out of the water or is in the perfect question mark shape, I'll take a pic and send it to you.

4. On the assembling of Team Good Lookin'. How did you come up with that name? Or did you? Is that like calling a fat guy slim? Knowing that the talent lies elsewhere in your team and finally admitting it is progress towards better coping with your insecurities. It's really not unlike a little loudmouth picking fights and then hiding behind his much larger friends leaving them to deal with what you've created. Your team mates have shown true sportsmanship through this which accentuates their victory. They are the Jerry Rice's of Mount Bike Tyre Dodgeball and will stroll in to the hall of fame on the first ballot. You, my friend are the Terrell Owens. He's playing Arena Football now. Don't be that guy. It won't look good for that spectacular club you belong to called FORC.

5. I did not lace that beer with Roofies. But thank you for the idea. Next time we're in the same vicinity drinking keg beer. You may want to keep your eye on me.

6. Top Shelf bike? Now son, you really need to do your homework. I ride a Surly Karate Monkey. My wheels weigh more than your whole bike. That's about as top shelf as Hawkeye Vodka.