Rumor has it...

[Dirt]

Rumor has it that LAMBA created a T-shirt in dedication to me and my team's 2011 Midwest Mountain Bike Mountain Bike DodgeBall Championship. Is it true? If so, this would be like the time Rocky Balboa won over the fans at the Ivan Drago fight in the Soviet Union.

[Ken]

Ha! Figured the response would be a bit more lengthy than this, perhaps you are still penning something? It is true that we have produced new shirts that say dirt on the back... dirt.

[farmboy]

Rumor has it that LAMBA created a T-shirt in dedication to me and my team's 2011 Midwest Mountain Bike Mountain Bike DodgeBall Championship. Is it true? If so, this would be like the time Rocky Balboa won over the fans at the Ivan Drago fight in the Soviet Union.

Sorry that's false information. If that were true, the shirt would say "douche" not "dirt." We can get you one made though if you want.

[Dirt]

Farmboy, your admiration is flattering. However, I'm not the one who deserves all of this credit. It was a team effort. A more accurate ode to that fateful day would include the names Badfish, Gludeachris (whatever the hell that means) and Dru B and would have a tire-tread mark on the front and a mud splatter on the back signifying a LAMBANONIAN taking a size 26" to the chest and landing flat on his humbled back on the cold, wet turf. I'm pretty impressed that you guys would literally "wear the loss" in this way. It's impressive. Perhaps it will serve as motivation for your underachieving, top-seeded dodge tyre team. If nothing else, it's a shirt that from here forward, every time a FORC'er spies someone wearing one of your new T's, they will immediately think of two things: Me and the major upset you guys suffered in 2011. I love it!

[farmboy]

You were probably up all night formulating that response. Regardless of its perceived significance, I'll wear my shirt with pride. And you'll always see your monicker on the back of it, at least on the trail, because your slow ass will be behind me. One thing you're doing a good job of, is making me want to get my skinny ass to the Fest this year. As of now, I'm not going to be there but I may have to change my priorities. I'd say that I'll keep from getting wasted on keg beer before the tournament this year, but I can make make no such promise.

[Dirt]

Ok, Ok...This time it did take me 3 days to devise a suitable retort but this just dawned on me this morning. Farmboy, you idolize me. Listen, Man, I'm gonna say this only once: I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL. While I understand why you would have such strong feelings for a champion like me, let's admit that it's a little weird for one grown man to revere another grown man in such an unhealthy way. Look, we've all had our heroes - for me, I adored Spider Man as a child. I even wore Spider Man underwear - Wait! Don't tell me that you have Dirt Undies (your wife did say that after chili night they get a little grundy...Perhaps another ode to me...That's sick, Dude - and pretend that I could swing from home to home in my neighborhood with the use of strands of my own excrement. I digress. We all have heroes, but let me suggest that I not be one of yours. I do not promise to set a good example and, frankly, you couldn't live up to the accomplishments that I've achieved in the last year...Heck only 3 other men in the entire world have done what I've done. Besides that, when I fall, like most heroes, I fall hard and fast. I don't want to crush your dreams like that, so please, please find yourself a new symbol of hope to venerate.

You may be asking yourself, "How does he know???" Or maybe even, "What the hell is this guy talking about?!?" Right, I understand. You were hoping to keep this secret like the Princess Di Beanie Baby sleepovers and My Little Pony collection that you keep (check this post) but in this instance you've been too obvious. You mysteriously hang around my peeps all the time, ride the trails that I ride more often than your own, you wear a shirt that has my nickname on your back (and let's not forget the DIRT e underwear thing), and most telling of all: You've chosen your nickname after the very bike I ride: The Slingshot [I]Farmboy[/I]...Man, you need to seek counseling.

[farmboy]

So you're telling us that you named yourself Dirt as in poop? Why not just name yourself poop? I suppose you did come up with your own monicker in yet another effort to make yourself look cool. I know you love the idea of someone idolizing you, and to be honest, I was going to just drop this and let you live in your little fantasy but I can't. People have obviously been letting you live in your own illusions for far too long.

Look, if someone were going to idolize you they would suddlenly begin basking in the glory of belonging to a fraternity some 10 years ago(I'm making an assumption here based on the whole Yukon Pete bit that you do when attention begins to drift away from you in social settings). Then they would buy a fancy yet unique bike that is a steed well beyond their riding capabilities but is a conversation piece (again, a 'hey look at me' situation). Finally, they would grossly inflate the importance of a meaningless feat that even in that instance they played a meaningless part in. Let's face it, that victory was more meaningful to you than your children's births. Yet, you know damn well without the precise striking ability of DruB and the catching ability of Chris George, things may have been differently. You're like the 3rd string QB flashing his superbowl ring. It's really sad, man, and you need to get a grip.

As far as your peeps, give me a break. I had no problem losing the championship dodgeball tournament to you. The only time I felt an ounce of contempt towards you was months later when sitting at the shelter at Sunderbruch. I offered you a beer out my well stocked cooler and you turned it down. That's hardly becoming of a FORC'er and I've never, ever, seen another FORC member turn down a beer. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now, that doesn't make them my peeps, but that doesn't make them yours.

As far as that freakshow called a Slingshot that you ride. I used to ride/race with a guy back in the early 2000's that rode one of those and I ran into him with the Slingshot crew at the 24 hours of Old Pueblo in AZ where we shared many beers and pleasantries. I went by Farmboy then and that bike model didn't exist at the time. So I suppose it's possible, maybe even likely that the bike you suck at riding is named after me. Wierd.

[jimithng23]

ooooo! this is gettin' GOOD!

[Dirt]

Ahhh...Farmboy...From those who know me well, I have no doubt that your latest post drew more than a few chuckles and the occasional eye-widening, jaw-dropping, hand-covering-mouth, I-can't-believe-he-went-there reaction as with regard to my need for attention, truer words - perhaps - have never been spoken.

Quite frankly, I'm not even mad. In fact, I'm kind of impressed. You caught me off guard with this well-thought-out, pointed roast. Indeed, I underestimated you. How could I expect to get barbequed by the guy whose original comments were of the hand-down-the-pants, belching up warm Pabst Blue Ribbon snort: "If we wanted to make a shirt after you, we would have put douche on the back"? You graduated from 5th grade to grad school in, like, 5 days. For that, I stand tall and applaud you, My Friend. I’ll bet you copied this URL and sent it to your mom. As you should. She would be proud of you…Finally.

What I do when attention drifts away...more meaningful that my children's births...3rd string QB flashing Super Bowl ring...Wow, wow, and WOW. Pat yourself on the back, Big Guy. You have humbled me and, for a moment, rendered me speechless...But only for a moment.

Let's be honest. The truth is that any person with half a wit can see right through this pile of sh*t.

- I didn't name myself after poop, but of my poop I am quite proud. Don't get me started on that topic.
- Of course I like the idea of people idolizing me, but by now, I've gotten used to it. It's when I attract freaky fanatics like you that local fame is less a thrill and more a burden.
- I tell stories like 'Yukon Pete' not for attention but because the world needs to be entertained (and occasionally reminded of how many synonyms there are for sexual organs).
- It’s true the talent of my team lies in the other 3 members, but I will take full credit for assembling this bunch of rag tags and creating the magic that is Team Goodlookin’.
- I didn’t turn down your beer because I didn’t want one. I turned it down because I knew you laced it with roofies you sick ****.
- As for my Slingshot, I do ride it for attention. Also I ride it because with or without a down tube I can whip you and your expensive, top shelf bike, so why not do it in style?

[Bexter]

[farmboy]

Wow. Where to start. At least you cut your retort time down to less than 3 days. So you are either getting better at this, or your wife had time to proof it last night. I'll give you the 'hands down the pants, belching up warm PBR' comment. Replace that PBR with Miller High Life, and you'd be dead on. PBR is now reserved for urban attention seeking hipsters like yourself. Do you own a fixie that you never ride because it's cool to own a fixie? I won't speculate because I truly have no idea. But, really, I didn't expect our little keyboard conversation to continue for this long and I'll admit, I've underestimated you, unless of course, you're spending more than 5 minutes developing these retorts and running them past your wife to see if they make sense, which I suspect you are. I'll ask her tonight.

1. I'll admit I'm a bit intrigued by your responses to posts on this forum and always make sure to read them. A local celebrity, though? That might be taking things a bit far. If your stature does adhere to that definition, it would less like Mike Wolfe is to the Quad Cities and more like William Hung is to New Jersey (I had to look that up).

2. On the Yukon Pete bit, I still think you tell it for attention, but agree that everybody enjoys a good penis joke whether they admit it or not.

3. On the naming yourself after poop, everybody likes poop jokes too (especially those with young kids) whether they admit it or not. Fart jokes fall under poop jokes, so same thing. Next time I lay one down in the crapper that sticks up out of the water or is in the perfect question mark shape, I'll take a pic and send it to you.

4. On the assembling of Team Good Lookin'. How did you come up with that name? Or did you? Is that like calling a fat guy slim? Knowing that the talent lies elsewhere in your team and finally admitting it is progress towards better coping with your insecurities. It's really not unlike a little loudmouth picking fights and then hiding behind his much larger friends leaving them to deal with what you've created. Your team mates have shown true sportsmanship through this which accentuates their victory. They are the Jerry Rice's of Mount Bike Tyre Dodgeball and will stroll in to the hall of fame on the first ballot. You, my friend are the Terrell Owens. He's playing Arena Football now. Don't be that guy. It won't look good for that spectacular club you belong to called FORC.

5. I did not lace that beer with Roofies. But thank you for the idea. Next time we're in the same vicinity drinking keg beer. You may want to keep your eye on me.

6. Top Shelf bike? Now son, you really need to do your homework. I ride a Surly Karate Monkey. My wheels weigh more than your whole bike. That's about as top shelf as Hawkeye Vodka.

[Dirt]

This post was weak sauce, and you know it. What's the matter? Ken had a date tonight and couldn't help you write? Take your time, reformulate a response and try again. I'll keep my pants on.

[farmboy]

You're copping out by trying to make my post look like a cop out. I call bull****. You sissy. I won't declare victory but I won't admit defeat.

Why do people think I hang out with Ken?

I am really fuggin tired though and am glad your wife didn't write something witty for you to respond with.

You also didn't answer whether or not you own a fixie.